#3 - Status 1 year in

I've been on the protocol for a little over a year now. A lot has changed during that time. I've healed myself from chronic conditions I used to have, I'm no longer depressed like I was, and I don't deal with anxiety anymore. I'm living a life that is actually worth living.

Just over a year ago, right before I started the protocol, I was about to get hospitalized in a psych ward—simply because there was nowhere else for me to go in the state I was in. I was in a state of crisis—mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

At that time, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't cook food or eat food. I couldn't drive, go to the store, or be around people for more than 30 minutes. I couldn't watch TV or listen to the radio. And I couldn't sleep. Or be a mom. I couldn't even be alone in my own apartment.

Today, I can do all those things. It's a new life.

The healing process turned out to be way more layered and deeper than I thought it would be. It's a personal journey—not just about eating the "right" things, but just as much about uncovering and changing my behavioral patterns. I know that sounds like something I've read a million times in other people's healing stories, but yeah—there's truth in it. Learning to actually feel and recognize where my boundaries are has been a huge part of it.

I used to say yes to everything. Classic, I know. But yeah, it applies to me too. And in order to rebuild my ability to listen to what my needs actually are, I've needed quiet. And alone time.

Alone time is something I've never really had before. I've been a serial monogamist—always in a relationship, never leaving any space between partners to just be with myself. And I used to fill every single free moment with plans, social stuff, anything and everything to keep busy. "I gotta stay high all the time – can't go home alone again, need someone to numb the pain" — that was me for many years. I just didn't realize it at the time. I had no idea what pain or grief I was actually running from. I didn't even know I had any unprocessed stuff. But I did. And it shaped how I developed survival strategies as a teenager—strategies I'm now, at 34, slowly unlearning.

Sometimes I still get those little flashes of restlessness. That trapped feeling—like I don't have the same freedom I used to. I want to go out and do EVERYTHING—right now! And then… I can't. Prison! But then comes the art that cats have mastered—embracing the moment. The situation. Even learning to enjoy it. My cat teaches me so much. She's so wise. Such a wise little furball.

My boyfriend says cats are connected to the astral. He also says there are big cats in space. A feline race called the Urmah. My sweet, strange Scorpio boyfriend. And my wise little cat. My daughter is a wise astral soul too. My throat tightens a bit as I write this. clears throat

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https://www.instagram.com/freyjael/